Identify yourself

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Police officer: “Can you identify yourself, sir?”
Driver pulls out his mirror and says:
“Yes, it’s me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

A chip monk

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A monastery is in financial trouble. So the monk goes into a fish-and-chips business to raise money. One evening, a customer knocks on the door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”

“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.

 

 

 

The deal

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The Devil appears to a real estate agent one day and says to him, “Listen, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any other real estate agent in the world. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever walked the Earth.”

The real estate agent likes the sound of this and asks the Devil, “That sounds good. What do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles and says, “Obviously, you have to give me your soul. But you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children. In fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the Real Estate Agent says cautiously. “What’s the catch?

Uber driver

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A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually an Uber driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

 

 

Final match tonight

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A man went to the doctor,

“Doctor, every night in my dream I am playing tennis.”

Doctor says, “Take these pills, they will help you sleep better.”

The man replies,

“I can’t take them, tonight is the final game.

 

 

Route 101

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A state police officer stops a car cruises along at 22mph in a 55mph zone.

That was way too slow he thought, and he pulled it over. As the car pulled aside to a complete stop, he saw the driver was an old lady, along with four others – one in front, and three in the back – looked shaken and didn’t say a word.

“Ma’am, driving too slow can cause problems to other drivers too.”

“I was driving exactly at the speed limit, Officer! Twenty-two miles an hour.
The officer smiled and told her that she was on Route 22, but the speed limit was 55.
“Oh, I see. I’m sorry Officer, that was my mistake.”
“Well then, drive safely and I’ll let you go now” said the Officer.

However, he couldn’t help but asking,

“Ma’am, is everyone OK here? They are very quiet and have not blink once this whole time.”
“Oh, they’ll be fine soon. We’ve just got off of Route 101.

Naming ideas

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A child goes to his father and asks,

“Father, how do parents think of names for their children?”

The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.

When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle.

Why do you ask, Bear Poop?

 

 

 

Defrost the chicken!

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Scientists at NASA built a device to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, the space shuttle, etc. The idea being to simulate collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the device and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a device was sent to the British engineers.

When device was fired, the British engineers were shocked… the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Defrost the chicken”.

(Source: Baba Mail)

september twenty-ninth

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Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and as a result was always late for work. His boss got fed up of his constant lateness and so threatened to fire him if he didn’t get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.

When he got there, he said, “Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”

His boss said, “That’s all very well, but where were you yesterday?

(Source: LaffGaff)