A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says,
“What do you expect for $10 — lobster?”

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,
“Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed,
“But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied,
“My homework.“

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are on a fishing trip.
The Rabbi says he wants a drink, so he walks off the boat, across the water, and grabs the drink.
A few minutes later, the Minister wants a drink too, and also walks across the water.

The priest thinks to himself ‘If God lets them walk on water, he’ll let me too, and leaves the boat.
The priest sinks like a stone into the lake.

The Rabbi turns to the Minister and says “guess he didn’t know where the stepping stones were.“

A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.

“Oh my God!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.

“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”

“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,

“It really works!“

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the doctor.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10…9…8…7…”

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said:

“Is this a question?” – Discuss.
After a short time he wrote:

“If that is a question, then this is an answer.”
The student received an “A” on the exam.

I love everyone.
Some people I love to be around, while some of them are people who I would rather avoid.

And then, there are some who I would love to punch in the face.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts!

Helpline? I’ve just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but there’s a lot of crackling.