I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it.
I start freaking out “Hey man, your going to get us killed!”
He replies “Relax, my brother drives like this.”

We come to another red light and he blazes right through.
“You’re going to get arrested or get us killed!”
“Relax this is how my brother drives.”

We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways.
“Dude, it’s green you can go.”
“Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way.“

Me: Can I get a glass of wine please?

Employee: Sir, this is McDonald’s

Me: Oh fuck, I’m sorry! Can I get a McWine…

A photographer goes to a haunted castle, determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are under-exposed and completely blank.

Moral to the story:
The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says,
“What do you expect for $10 — lobster?”

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,
“Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed,
“But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied,
“My homework.“

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are on a fishing trip.
The Rabbi says he wants a drink, so he walks off the boat, across the water, and grabs the drink.
A few minutes later, the Minister wants a drink too, and also walks across the water.

The priest thinks to himself ‘If God lets them walk on water, he’ll let me too, and leaves the boat.
The priest sinks like a stone into the lake.

The Rabbi turns to the Minister and says “guess he didn’t know where the stepping stones were.“

A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.

“Oh my God!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.

“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”

“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”