As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.
On the back of his truck was a sign saying:
‘How am I driving?’
I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either!“
Politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner.
As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar.
An hour later, with the politician still talking, another man joined them.
“Is he still talking?” they asked him.
“Yes.” another man answered.
“What on Earth is he talking about?” “I don’t know.
He’s still introducing himself.”
Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well, there’s Jake my finisher who’s been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.
The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.
Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday,” replied the owner.
“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.”
The owner says, “That would be me.”
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked,
“So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Three tomatoes are walking down the street – a poppa tomato, a mamma tomato, and a little baby tomato.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, smooches him… and says,