Category: Humor

september twenty-sixth

autumn autumn colours autumn leaves beautiful
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An old couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates
covered with leaves.

The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies: “Autumn!”

Fire the gardener!

man hand garden growth
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A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.

“If you’ll just learn to cook,” he said, “we can fire the chef.”

“Okay,” she said. “And if you learn how to make love,

we can fire the gardener!

The boa

close up photo of reticulated python
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A man holding a pet boa constrictor walks into a night club to get a drink and sits next to a blind man.
He orders a drink and water for his buddy, the boa.
The blind man says, “Hey, no one drinks water at the bar.”
The boa’s owner smiles and replies, “My buddy does.”
The blind man replies, “I gotta meet you guys.” He reaches over to the other man and touches his face.
He says “Round, Beard, & Brows – you’re a 30 year old Irish man”.
Next, he reaches over the the boa and touches it’s face.
He says, “Slimey, Scaley, & Cold.
You must be the club owner”.

 

 

 

 

august sixteenth

action automotive cargo container diesel
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As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.

On the back of his truck was a sign saying:

‘How am I driving?’

I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either!

Guest speaker

man in black coat white dress shirt and black gray and white necktie
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Politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner.
As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar.
An hour later, with the politician still talking, another man joined them.
“Is he still talking?” they asked him.
“Yes.” another man answered.
“What on Earth is he talking about?” “I don’t know.
He’s still introducing himself.”

 

 

august thirteenth

repairman doing screw drilling
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Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well, there’s Jake my finisher who’s been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.

The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.

Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday,” replied the owner.

“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.”

The owner says, “That would be me.”

(Source: JLC)

august tenth

black green brown continent
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

“Would you please give your honest opinion

about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

Old man fishin’

man wearing hat holding wooden rod under gray sky
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“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked,

“So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.