Category: Humor

Writers cramp

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A hungry African lion came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
See, even the King of the Jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

Mr. Smith

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A telemarketer called a house, and a real nice lady answered the phone. She was really helpful and nice. After some pleasantries exchanged, the telemarketer asked if Mr. Smith was in,
“I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

“I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”
“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number.

The telemarketer hung up and quickly called the new number, and was surprised to hear a recording.

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

 

 

The deal

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The Devil appears to a real estate agent one day and says to him, “Listen, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any other real estate agent in the world. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever walked the Earth.”

The real estate agent likes the sound of this and asks the Devil, “That sounds good. What do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles and says, “Obviously, you have to give me your soul. But you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children. In fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the Real Estate Agent says cautiously. “What’s the catch?

Uber driver

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A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually an Uber driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

 

 

Route 101

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A state police officer stops a car cruises along at 22mph in a 55mph zone.

That was way too slow he thought, and he pulled it over. As the car pulled aside to a complete stop, he saw the driver was an old lady, along with four others – one in front, and three in the back – looked shaken and didn’t say a word.

“Ma’am, driving too slow can cause problems to other drivers too.”

“I was driving exactly at the speed limit, Officer! Twenty-two miles an hour.
The officer smiled and told her that she was on Route 22, but the speed limit was 55.
“Oh, I see. I’m sorry Officer, that was my mistake.”
“Well then, drive safely and I’ll let you go now” said the Officer.

However, he couldn’t help but asking,

“Ma’am, is everyone OK here? They are very quiet and have not blink once this whole time.”
“Oh, they’ll be fine soon. We’ve just got off of Route 101.

Naming ideas

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A child goes to his father and asks,

“Father, how do parents think of names for their children?”

The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.

When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle.

Why do you ask, Bear Poop?

 

 

 

Defrost the chicken!

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Scientists at NASA built a device to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, the space shuttle, etc. The idea being to simulate collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the device and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a device was sent to the British engineers.

When device was fired, the British engineers were shocked… the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Defrost the chicken”.

(Source: Baba Mail)

september twenty-ninth

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Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and as a result was always late for work. His boss got fed up of his constant lateness and so threatened to fire him if he didn’t get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.

When he got there, he said, “Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”

His boss said, “That’s all very well, but where were you yesterday?

(Source: LaffGaff)

september twenty-eighth

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A doctor, an engineer, and an attorney were at a restaurant enjoying dinner, wondering who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions – according to the Bible.
The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and made Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

(Source: Jokes4us)