Category: Humor

Writers cramp

nature summer yellow animal
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A hungry African lion came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
See, even the King of the Jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

Mr. Smith

administration architecture building cemetery
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A telemarketer called a house, and a real nice lady answered the phone. She was really helpful and nice. After some pleasantries exchanged, the telemarketer asked if Mr. Smith was in,
“I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

“I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”
“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number.

The telemarketer hung up and quickly called the new number, and was surprised to hear a recording.

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

 

 

The deal

architecture balcony building building exterior
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The Devil appears to a real estate agent one day and says to him, “Listen, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any other real estate agent in the world. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever walked the Earth.”

The real estate agent likes the sound of this and asks the Devil, “That sounds good. What do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles and says, “Obviously, you have to give me your soul. But you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children. In fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the Real Estate Agent says cautiously. “What’s the catch?

Uber driver

adult auto automobile blur
Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi on Pexels.com

A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually an Uber driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

 

 

Route 101

adult age elderly enjoyment
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A state police officer stops a car cruises along at 22mph in a 55mph zone.

That was way too slow he thought, and he pulled it over. As the car pulled aside to a complete stop, he saw the driver was an old lady, along with four others – one in front, and three in the back – looked shaken and didn’t say a word.

“Ma’am, driving too slow can cause problems to other drivers too.”

“I was driving exactly at the speed limit, Officer! Twenty-two miles an hour.
The officer smiled and told her that she was on Route 22, but the speed limit was 55.
“Oh, I see. I’m sorry Officer, that was my mistake.”
“Well then, drive safely and I’ll let you go now” said the Officer.

However, he couldn’t help but asking,

“Ma’am, is everyone OK here? They are very quiet and have not blink once this whole time.”
“Oh, they’ll be fine soon. We’ve just got off of Route 101.

Naming ideas

environment forest grass leaves
Photo by mali maeder on Pexels.com

A child goes to his father and asks,

“Father, how do parents think of names for their children?”

The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.

When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle.

Why do you ask, Bear Poop?