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NASA built a device to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, the space shuttle, etc. The idea being to simulate collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the device and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a device was sent to the British engineers.
When device was fired, the British engineers were shocked… the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
“Defrost the chicken”.
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Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and as a result was always late for work. His boss got fed up of his constant lateness and so threatened to fire him if he didn’t get his act together.
So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.
Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two hours. So he fixed himself a nice breakfast and drove happily to work, in plenty of time for the start of the work day.
When he got there, he said, “Boss, that pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”
His boss said, “That’s all very well, but
where were you yesterday?“
A doctor, an engineer, and an attorney were at a restaurant enjoying dinner, wondering who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions – according to the Bible.
physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and made Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
A Polish man decided to run down a railway track, trying to beat an approaching train with his speed.
He started running faster and faster, as fast as he could,
but eventually he is caught by the train and finds himself in a hospital with many broken bones.
Treating his wounds, the doctor asks
“Stavroski, why didn’t you just run up the embankment to avoid the train?”
“You stupid idiot,” Stavroski says.
If I can’t beat it on the flat ground, how will I beat it uphill?”
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An old couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates
covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies: “Autumn!”
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts!
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A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.
“If you’ll just learn to cook,” he said, “we can fire the chef.”
“Okay,” she said. “And if you learn how to make love,
fire the gardener!“
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Helpline? I’ve just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but there’s a lot of crackling.
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Honey, can you put the dog out?
I didn’t know it was on fire.
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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
“A table for 26, please.”
Headwaiter, “But there’s only… 13 of you?”
Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”