Month: August 2018

august thirty-first

boys brother children country
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Dad asks Cody, “What’s with your brother over there by the porch?” Cody says, “Well, he asked for something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

“What! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!

Blinkers

photography of white maserati
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Two friends were driving down the road after attending a cocktail party.

The sober driver looks at his drunken friend in the passenger seat and asks him to see if his blinker is working.

So the guy looks out the window and says,
“Yes. No. Yes. No.”

 

 

Not an earthworm

caterpillar close up hairy insect
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Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom.

“No, honey, it won’t do for bait,” she said. “It’s not an earthworm.”

“It’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is it from?

 

 

august sixteenth

action automotive cargo container diesel
Photo by Sean JOHNSTON on Pexels.com

As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.

On the back of his truck was a sign saying:

‘How am I driving?’

I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either!

Guest speaker

man in black coat white dress shirt and black gray and white necktie
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Politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner.
As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar.
An hour later, with the politician still talking, another man joined them.
“Is he still talking?” they asked him.
“Yes.” another man answered.
“What on Earth is he talking about?” “I don’t know.
He’s still introducing himself.”

 

 

In-laws

nature animal agriculture cow
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
“Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied,
“in-laws.”

 

 

august thirteenth

repairman doing screw drilling
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well, there’s Jake my finisher who’s been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.

The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.

Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday,” replied the owner.

“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.”

The owner says, “That would be me.”

(Source: JLC)